Fade To Blonde

I don't feel like myself lately.

I think the best compliment I've ever received was, "it's always half-full with you, isn't it?" and that's something I've tried to carry with me, especially these past several months, when the search for gainful employment has reached critical, kafkaesque levels of demoralization. I like that someone pretty exceptional, whose opinion I value, thinks of me as an optimist. I always feel triumphant when I can report that indeed, I have continued to look on the bright side.

Another thing I really love hearing is when people say they can't picture me as a blonde, even though that's the color my hair was from the time I was born to 2006. Even people who knew me before I started coloring my hair say they can hardly imagine blonde being my natural shade.

I can't help but wonder, then, how much of my angst comes from the fact that because I can't seem to find a paying job, I can't justify spending money on hair dye, and the blonde is really showing - about 2 inches at the roots, and is a really stark contrast even against the faded purple of the rest. I've taken to wearing scarves a la Grace Kelly, but every night, when I brush it out, there it is, mocking me, reminding me that no matter how I try to cover it up or change it, I am forced to be as I was, not as I have chosen to be.

High school senior pic vs. a few months ago. Note: I have not turned green IRL.

No, YOU grow up!

My friend Chip and I have a long-standing tradition of odd middle-of-the-night conversations. If you're not new to my blather here, you know that this is mostly because we both just happen to be nocturnal by nature and have a Star Wars quote for every occasion, not to mention that we have the kind of friendship that withstands dead relatives who interrupt and the fact that The Great Hemingway vs. Austen Debate will likely never be settled. The 2:00 a.m. phone calls have increased of late, as he's working the graveyard shift, gets lonely, and knows I'm still up.

Last night, Chip and I somehow got to talking about things we'd change about The Way Things Are if we were given our druthers. I said I felt like it would be a good idea if, instead of automatically considering every 18 year-old an adult (and conversely, everyone under that age not an adult), one would be legally regarded an adult once he or she had completed a checklist of accomplishments. That way, exceptional young people who truly understand what it is to be a good citizen could vote, and 30 year-olds who still don't know their asses from holes in the ground could not.
Chip suggested we each come up with a list of 20 things that'd be on our checklists and trade to see how many things overlap, and how many things we've completed from each other's lists. This was to be done quickly, just off the top of the head, so the lists are by no means comprehensive or immune to argument. Here are the results:

My list with his responses*

1. Job: answer phones ...many
2. Job: front desk/direct customer service Almost all my jobs
3. Job: handle money (cashier, payroll, bank teller...) Done
4. Teach - can be in a classroom, a group of boyscouts, whomever. Looking good so far
5. Work in food service Got it
6. Work with the elderly ...not my strong suit
7. Work with children I worked with [a man-child we both know], does that count?
8. Gain understanding of basic rudiments of some art form - a musical instrument, painting, sculpting, acting, whatever Guitar
9. Read at least one entire novel and one entire non-fiction book Uh, yeah! Do we get extra credit for writing one?
10. Known how to change oil, flat tire, & check fluids in your car I heard that in a class somewhere once
11. Sleep outdoors overnight When I drove cross country
12. Plan and execute a meal (and have no one die of food poisoning) good call on the food poisoning.
13. Learn enough of a foreign language to introduce yourself, obtain basic necessities, and understand basic directions to a destination Spanish, though if you mean understand directions, they would have to point...
14. Participate in a team sport (incl. understanding all relevant rules of play and participating long enough to have won and lost at least one bout each) Good one. Football.
15. Attend a religious service of a faith different from your own [yes]
16. Job: retail grocery store. Or my folks' bike shop
17. Be responsible for the health and well-being for an animal (or at least a high-maint. plant) Puppies!
18. Travel outside your familiar community (spend at least a day among those who are not "your people") [yes]
19. Work in public service (at least in an administrative capacity for police, fire, rescue, etc.) Almost done!
20. Speak in public ...I have, in fact, spoken aloud in a communal area.

*edited somewhat for space & relevance, though he'll probably chide me for omitting some of his snark at my expense.

His list with my responses

1. work at a job where you are paid in tips (3 months) Hole in the wall diner.
   
2. work at a job doing manual labor (3 months) Ice rink - if you count having to clean the place, sharpen skates, and do basic maint. as part of the duties of the job as manual labor.
   
3. work in retail (3 months) 2 bookstores
   
4. work a job where you have to wear a uniform (3 months) Umpire...
   
5. wash, dry, and iron your own clothes (1 year) Yep.
   
6. plunge a toilet Yep.
7. have a non-family member as a roommate (6 months) Luke, Joe, Betsy, Emily, Erin, Paul, Delia, Carrsha
   
8. mow you own lawn Tricky - mowed lawns, but I've never owned a lawn
   
9. cook a meal for 4+ people (dishes included) Many, many times.
   
10. drive somewhere more then 8 hours away I think the 63K miles on my [2 year old] car are testament
    
11. support yourself independently (one year) Barely sometimes...
    
12. learn to sew a button Yep.
13. learn to change a tire and your oil I wasn't allowed to drive until I could.
    
14. learn to swim The hard way. Fell in the lake.
    
15. learn CPR Yep.
16. spend a week in a city where you know no one Does that count traveling companion? If not, then yes. I definitely didn't know anyone who hadn't come with me in London, Quebec, or Paris. It's unlikely I'd ever move to a place where I didn't know anyone, and nearly equally as unlikely that I'd travel for a week-long trip to such a place alone. If I were going for a day or so, I might, but I'd almost certainly take a friend for a week-long trip.
    
17. ride some form of public transportation On two continents
    
18. spend a night in the hospital (ER counts) No, not unless infancy counts. I have spent an entire day to very late at night, then come back subsequent days when a friend was on suicide watch.
    
19. Get hit (play a contact sport, get in a fight, car accident, something like that) Hockey
20. keep a pet or plant alive for 2 years (no cheating) Yes, plants and shared responsibility for pets.

Outcome: He needs to brush up on his Spanish & work with the elderly. I need to suffer some grievous health issue and be more independent. We did both include notes that allowed for things like physical limitations and living situation. Also, it seems like both of our lists are focused on self-sufficiency and the ability to understand those from different walks of life, so that one might be a more compassionate citizen who makes choices motivated by more than pure self-interest. This is hardly surprising to me since he and I have managed to become and remain very good friends who have widely differing origins, experiences, and career paths ourselves.

What do you think? What would be on your list?

From where the sun now stands, I will fight.

Chief Joseph actually said, "I will fight no more forever," but he'd done his share of fighting, seen horrors enough already.

I see the same kinds of injustice in my world today. Today, I woke up in a world full of the same kinds of hate and injustice Chief Joseph saw - the good of the many obliterated to placate the will of the few in power. He said:

"There need be no trouble. Treat all men alike. Give them all the same law. Give them all an even chance to live and grow. All men were made by the same Great Spirit Chief. They are all brothers. The earth is the mother of all people, and all people should have equal rights upon it.”

And how right he was! Why is this such a difficult concept to hammer into the heads of those who insist that their warped understanding of a religious text, or some ill-conceived directive from someone they find to be charismatic tells them that it is not only right, but just to deny basic rights to our brothers?

Why is an innocent man going to die because the "justice" system is failing him? Why is his life not worth the trouble and cost to take what's broken and fix it? How dare anybody put a monetary price on human life and happiness? Who are these people who would rather take a life than take extra time and do extra work or - dare I say - admit they were wrong? A life, people, a human life.


Why am I allowed to get married to the right guy if such a man and I ever chose to do so, while my friends who have been together for over a decade and raised children together may not, simply because they're both women? I patently refuse to accept that legal recognition of the family unit which already exists in their household can have anything to do with what goes on in the home of the judgmental, bigoted married couples who say that gay marriage is a blight upon the institution.

Guess what! I've been married. Guess what else! I have gay friends who would get married if they could. Guess another thing! If the marriage they've been living since before I ever met my ex-husband had ever been legally recognized, it would have had absolutely no effect on my decision to get married, how long I stayed married, the problems that cropped up in said marriage, or the resulting end of it. How could it?

I want to just grab each and every one of those people who talk about the "sanctity of marriage," shake them, and scream EVERYTHING IS NOT ABOUT YOU! How self-centered do you have to be to honestly believe that you personally are threatened by someone else getting married, whomever they may be? I am sick and tired of seeing relationships freely entered into by consenting, healthy, non-related adults who love each other, lumped in with child abuse, pornography, and incest.

Honestly, can we just stop pretending that Fred Phelps's First Amendment right to free speech, which allows him spew hate and filth via every medium he comes across is more important, more sacrosanct than his victims' right to be treated with respect and dignity at the very least?

My heart is sick and sad, but I will fight. Forever. News days like this remind me why.

Silence Is Not The Answer

In addition to this personal blog and PoetryAssignment, I have been invited to be a regular contributor, covering the West Memphis 3 at Justice Undone, a Mosaic Free Press blog.



Odds are you already know that this case is one I've been very vocal about for the past decade or so. In that time, I've seen some people who refuse to care, but they have not deterred me. I urge you to learn about the case, ask questions, and if you feel compelled to do so, get involved. You deserve to live in a world where "And Justice For All" is more than just a Metallica album.

Mirror, Mirror

When I was in high school, I had a friend who, despite being pretty, kind, and interesting, had the worst taste in boyfriends you could imagine. Seriously, it got to the point where we were no longer surprised to get collect calls in the middle of the night from Inmate du Jour.

One afternoon, this friend - we'll call her Adora - had invited another friend - and we'll call her Jerrica - and me over to hang out so she could lament the precarious status of her relationship with a boy we'll refer to as Zartan, the current ankle-bracelet-bedecked jackass who was wasting her time. We let her go on for a while, until finally, Jerrica and I could stand it no longer. We were tired of seeing Adora teamed up with some scumbag who wouldn't deserve to kiss her feet, much less treat her like the dirt beneath them. Our solution was simple. From that point forward, whenever Adora would mention his name, we forced her to look in the mirror and recite:

"I am beautiful. I am wonderful. Zartan is a pig."

This went on for weeks. We really did drag her to the nearest shiny surface and make her say the words every time. Eventually, it became something of a mantra for us, long after Zartan had been replaced by another winner.

There will always be people who don't deserve our attention, but get it anyway. There will be things that shouldn't bother us, but do.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to find something reflective. Where's Destro when I need him?